The Good, The Bad, & The Creepy…

When you write a blog like this, it is out there for the world to see. As a writer, I want people reading it is what helps me continue doing what I do. It not only validates my day, my work, and my decision to keep plugging along but it makes me feel like a part of some larger community. All of these are good things; especially when you live a fairly solitary existence like we writers do.  – Trust me the internet has been an amazing thing for the writer. I don’t know where I would be without it.

However, in writing so openly and putting so many personal elements into the blogs, you also run the risk of people finding it that you would rather just not deal with. Fortunately, the internet allows for that to some extent. I mean, we can all be anonymous on the net if we choose to be. We’re a picture and words on a screen and not much else really, that offers some degree of anonymity. I realize that I’m an oddity though. I honestly like to get to know my readers. And in more than one instance it has gotten me into trouble.

Before I met my husband I did a lot of online dating.  I was never much for the bar scene.  The places I lived weren’t exactly populated with coffeehouses, wineries, or avenues for those of us who want to focus on the finer things that build minds. (I live in an area where “beer-runs” are more common than trips to the coffee house or book store.) So I turned to the net.  By no means is this a bad thing in my opinion. After all, my husband and I originally met through an online dating site and three years later here we are. So, I can’t really bad mouth it.

However, just like going to a bar or any other singles’ scene, you are inevitably going to meet some guys who aren’t all kosher. In fact, you meet some real creeps. You move on from those and look for the person you want to spend time with. I found mine. I’m quite happy in my marriage. In fact, aside from the financial difficulties, we’re just rosy. So you can understand my feeling apprehensive about my ex popping up from time to time on things like the blog, twitter, and even myspace.

Perplexing as this is, it seems compounded by the fact that he was the one who stood me up. He didn’t even have the guts to call and say, “Hey this isn’t working for me.” If he had, I might have had more respect for him. My other ex did. Even though that one ruined the holidays and left me an emotional mess, at least there was closure and I was able to not wonder about it all. Frankly, I miss the friendship I had with Jay before it ever got romantic. I’ve contacted him since then, only once to see if we could at least start talking again. I’ve had no response. It’s just as well. But I am not going to harrass him or cyber-stalk him.

This ex though… its just strange. Honestly, I could care less if I ever have anything to do with him again. Apparently  he’s hard up for women to play again though because he seems to be keeping tabs on me and I suppose I was an easy target back then. I know I didn’t make that big of an impression, otherwise things wouldn’t have gone the way they did.

So, no I’m not adding him on twitter. No I will not add him on myspace. And no, I won’t answer his emails if he sends another. I’m not interested in dating anymore. I’m quite happy with my husband.  (I’m not usually one to take cheap shots, but Lee’s better at everything.. if you get my drift.) Bottom line is that there is nothing he can do or say that will make me want to take him back. And honestly, we never had that much in common really. So I see no point.

So in a message to him let me just say:

Read all you like. Follow me if you must on Twitter. You’ll simply have to go out of your way to do so. Let me be clear on a public forum that even if I were single, you wouldn’t have another chance. I no longer have time for the games you like to play.  Move on already. And that thing you keep referencing …. its long gone. You should have never left it. Its a price you pay for playing head games.
I suppose I’m just cleaning house a bit lately. I think it is long overdue to some degree.

Putting it all together…

I’ve already been hard at work today.  This is rather contrary to my “usual” schedule of get up, get hubby off to work, then blog. I’m blogging in the middle of my day.

I hooked up my old computer speakers since my hubby didn’t need them for his truck anymore. (Yes, they finally seem to have him in a steady truck that has all the hookups he needs to listen to his Coast To Coast AM and music via the lovely MP3 player.) And as I sit here listening to Within Temptation and their song The Howling I am in a very creative and inspired sort of mood. Something about music seems to get the creative juices flowing. It always has for me. Writing The Tempest’s Child I listened to a great deal of one of my all-time favorite bands The Tea Party. Jeff Martin still has what I consider to be the sexiest voice in the music industry. Yes, music is a good thing though it often reminds me just how much I miss singing and performing.

Thinking about several projects today. I know I need to work on my websites. I also need to get my classes up and outlined for the online version to detail exactly how I want this all to work. The online class will be a little bit different from the in-person courses I’ve been teaching. But I also think that it will also give a whole new interactive element that will keep it somewhat self-paced for the students. I also realize that this is going to quickly turn into a college type of situation as well. There are too many topics out there that could literally have their own course centered around them without it seeming like over-kill.

Eventually it would be nice to have that sort of thing but I’m also quite aware of the fact that it still has a long way to go before I can actually bill it as such. I’m definitely ne of those people who are passionate about too many things. At least I can recognize it.

I’ve got plans though. That’s a start.

I need to get the work done today though. Tomorrow I absolutely have to get to Tyler. While I’m not sure that I’ll be able to meet with someone as planned yet. I have to go and pick up a couple of packages at the UPS store. Cash a check, pick up orders, and then process them for class on Friday. And I also wanted to stop by the library for some research.  But I’m not certain that I can get all of that in with the time I’m going to have to work with.

Lee likely isn’t going to be able to leave until about 1:30 tomorrow. And that blows the “normal” schedule out of the water. So, I’ll just have to work with what I have to work with. Getting back here will give me some prep time for class and the discussion but I also have to try to get some printer ink for that as well, which could prove problematic.

Now, I suppose I simply need to get back to work. While I have time, I have a lot to get done still if I’m to stay on track. So, I’m off!

Learning, Teaching, & Writing The Occult

In teaching the classes that I do, I am always on an ever-evolving path. As a spiritual being, I evolve the more that I learn. The more that I come to the calling of teaching these concepts, the more the information I review, study, and then teach comes into sharp focus and beyond that a much deeper understanding of complicated subjects, concepts, and practices.

What has most recently perplexed me is the lack of instrumental female figures in occultist circles. When one researches the movements associated with theosophy, philosophy, and anthroposophy (as pertains to most esoteric circumstances) we see few women associated with the movement. In face, aside from the names Dion Fortune and Helena Petrova Blavatsky we are hard-pressed to find women at all. This lack of women has me wondering about the movement in general.

In addition; one could argue that our generation has not produced near the caliber of work related to metaphysics and esoteric philosophy. It can also be argued that the works of those like Israel Regardie are source material enough for this generation. And certainly I cannot discount the earnest efforts of those like Jason Augustus Newcomb and even Christopher Penczak; however I feel that these works have been somewhat guided by the modern “New Age” and “Neo-Pagan” movements and thus have lost some of the fundamental building blocks to understanding the basis on which magickal work – be it natural or ceremonial- is accomplished.

I have been pondering upon the idea of creating my own metaphysical work. Given the popularity with the New Age spectrum of thought process, I’m not entirely sure that the work would find the right audience. Serious and committed students are hard to find in this day and age since most people are consumed by simply trying to survive in this day and age. I wonder if today’s society even allows most of us to ponder such things as spirituality in any depth.

When I consider this I also have to realize that yes, there are serious students out there. I can’t be the only one to have a serious interest in occult and metaphysical topics. So perhaps the act of writing such a volume is a leap in the right direction for me as well. Perhaps it is what I need in order to further understand these concepts.

I can never let go of my love of fiction. It will always be my first love and something about which I am passionate. But I feel like my writing is going to become much more laden with academic and philosophic work. Time will tell.

Thoughts for the day…

It was a somewhat productive day. At least I managed to take some orders for the website and work on getting the online course ready to go.  I did some additional work to the website as well, trying to get more products ready to go.  I had two long conversations with dear friends. This was a much needed touch with a social reality for me. Writing and running this sort of business is, more or less, a solitary profession. It has rewards that most don’t see, but it can be quite tiring on the mind, the spirit, and the psyche if you can’t find the appropriate balance.

Some old wounds were opened up today though.  Ultimately there were issues brought up that I hadn’t thought about in a good long time. Some of my original thoughts on this particular topic could be quite the reality and if it is, this is a bit more complicated than I had ever wanted it to be.  It should never have been this complicated to begin with honestly. And no, I don’t think I will elucidate any further on the matter; at least not so publicly.

The new manuscript is coming along nicely. I am having some trouble keeping character names straight though. Unfortunately, all the characters are needed; especially so early in the process. It may get narrowed down later, but at this point, I don’t think anyone needs to be cut from the list.

I know I need a bigger desk. Better still, I need an office where I can put a big white board and tack up cards, notes, and character references. I need a place where, when I need to , I can shut the door and just work. This living in a hotel room is for the birds really. Especially when you aren’t getting your money’s worth out of it. There are just too many things wrong with this place. I’m really missing the Contessa Inn at this point. It was more like the Ritz compared to this place.

But, at the same time, given our current situation, I’m just happy to have a roof over our heads and to not be living on the street this week. Ah well. I’m sure that it will all work itself out somehow. Just have to see what happens the rest of the week.

Reminders…

Over the weekend I was reminded of many of the reasons why I love my husband. We have so much in common and sometimes I forget that because of how much he works. But this weekend as we were brainstorming markets and options for ways to make money to get us out of this financial mess, we were looking at various markets for writing. He actually begins rattling off ideas that he is having for short stories and a possible novel-length work.

It is something to have this much in common with the one you love.  I realize that it is a rare thing and I’m thankful for it.  I feel really blessed to be a part of something so special.

Today, I am working on websites and placing orders. Yes, I have orders. This is a good thing for us.  Hopefully, www.paganhaven.com will do well enough to keep us afloat this week and give us a cushion from there on out.

Man wouldn’t it be nice to have a house? A place that we can actually live instead of exist?

Anyway, work beckons this evening and I’m working on getting things together so that the rest of the week is productive as well.

Check, Check, and Check…

It’s only 10:00AM, early for me. But already, I’ve managed to finish 2/3 of my to-do list for the day. Part of me wants to cop out and take a nap. But the other part of me wants to just keep going with the projects I have and make some progress.

Yesterday was such a whirlwind. Two hours drive to mom’s. Two hours back. Teaching her this web-design program, working on site stuff, and then driving two hours back. Trying to make it back to pick up Lee and then I had class last night. So, by the time I got home, I was just exhausted.

Neither of us slept well last night. But we’re both looking forward to simply spending the day together tomorrow.

Maybe I’ll write a better blog later. Right now, I just want to chill out a while.

Insanity…

I find that people often have these unrealistic expectations of writers and spiritualists. Point of fact, I think that people have unrealistic expectations of one another in general. We expect people to be able to sum themselves up in a paragraph. A list of 3 or 4 interests, height, weight, religious affiliation usually suffices. But people aren’t that simple… I know I’m not. And furthermore, I might be a writer, but that doesn’t mean that every blog I write will be coherent and profound. Sometimes you just need a sounding board. Whether people like it or not.

In school we are told that diversity is good. In trying to get a job, we’re told that employers want to see diversity. Frankly these employers send completely mixed signals, in my opinion.

Every job I’ve ever had in the modern rat race has had the same result.

Employers love my diversity. They find me interesting and, I assume, are encouraged by my work ethic on my personal projects and accomplishments. I’m a published author, I’ve been a recording artist, and I spend time working with spiritual organizations… they even find my paranormal investigations of keen interest. I usually get the job and then Iget asked a ton of questions about my interests by the boss and coworkers.  And I’m quite happy to oblige them and give answers.

Then, without fail, I end up  working far too many hours. My bosses seem to love my ability to multi-task and how quickly I learn. They also generally love the way that I handle clients or customers. I’m a rather personable sort of person. And honestly, I enjoy people. At first, I do enjoy this. It gives me a sense of purpose, a feeling of being needed, and generally boosts my ego a bit. And in the beginning I don’t mind an extra hour or two here and there.

And rather quickly, I become disheartened by the whole situation. I’m working all of these hours. Generally being passed over for promotions, getting the menial cost of living increase in pay, and a pat on the head. It is at this point that I start to feel that all of the things that made me who I was when I hired on – the things the boss liked about me – have all fallen to the back burner. And this begins to piss me off.

I start opting out of overtime.  I start doing just what is required to do the job effectively. I start writing on my lunch breaks. Sneaking some time on the computer I work at to slip in the good old flash drive and work on manuscript during my breaks.

Then I start getting the “you used to be so good at what you do” speeches from the bosses. Coworkers complain because I’m no longer taking work off their plates. Eventually, office politics cause a serious personality clash between me and the corporate “kizbuts”. And if I’m not let go, I eventually leave whatever company it is.

Jobs want diversity in their employees in the beginning. But then they want your life to revolve around the job. This has never made any sort of logical sense to me.

Why blog about this now? I suppose my husband’s situation is on my mind.

He’s working a job that is quite literally going to put us out on the street at this rate. In these economic times, looking for other work isn’t necessarily a good idea given the potential money he could be making where he is. Of course, I wonder how this dispatcher is keeping his job given the fact that he either doesn’t answer his phone or won’t call people like he is supposed to.

And while I am perfectly willing to go back to work for a while to give us a better financial foothold and get us into a place of some sort, other than this hotel; the schedule is so erratic that I wouldn’t be able to keep a job if I got one. And we certainly can’t pay the bills on what I could make at a dead end call center job. Nor would I be happy doing that for very long. He is practically on call now. We simply never know from one day to the next what his schedule is going to be. Some days he’ll leave at midnight, then six in the morning, another day seven at night. He isn’t paid for being at their beck and call like this. But, we can’t do much about it either if we want to work.

What kills me is that this company has cut benefits, removed the minimum pay for their drivers, and continually cuts their work load. One week he’ll work 5 days and then the next three weeks he’s lucky if he gets four days in a week. We’ve been barely staying afloat. I don’t know how much longer this will hold out though. We’re already talking about having to find somewhere for me to stay while he works for a week or so sleeping in our car. Just to give us a little breathing room so we can eat decent food again. We’ll just have to see what happens. Believe me, I’m not exactly happy about being away from my husband for any length of time. But we honestly don’t see another option.

As usual the writing is keeping me sane. At least, it is keeping me from slipping too far into the depression that’s come over me in the last month. But, we’ve never been apart like this before. I’ve often said that I don’t remember what life was like before he came into the picture. I don’t really  care to recall it or relive it either. I like having him here. I love my husband and he’s away enough working in my opinion. To be apart from him for a whole week is going to be bad for me. And I can only predict that this will be the catalyst that sends me over the edge unless I’m able to really find a distraction. Which also means that I may write a book in a week’s time just to keep from going insane.

I just hope all of this lets up soon. I understand why they called it the depression now.

Pagan Haven Open For Business At Last…

So, for those who have been following for a while, you’ll note that I’ve been working on a major business project. Learning web design was no easy feat, I assure you. But, I’m actually really happy with the resulting website and store. Now I just need people to order so that it will generate some income and help keep us from ending up living in the Mitsubishi.

Trust me, two heavy people trying to sleep in a tiny car… not fun. So help a girl out. Even if you don’t need anything from the store, please pass the link along and spread the word. We have some of the best prices out there. I use many of these items in my own practice, so I can personally attest to the quality of the products.

So without further ado…

…. drumroll…..

Announcing the GRAND OPENING of the webs newest metaphysical and occult supply shop.

PaganHaven

http://www.paganhaven.com/Home.html

We carry a whole host of goodies for the metaphysical practitioner including

• Incense

• Oils

• Candles

• Candle Holders

• Statuary

• Altar Tables

• Altar cloths

• Herbs

• Books

• Tarot

• Runes

• and much more…

Please help me spread the word. I’m looking forward to a break from all the stress and a way to contribute to a solution to our financial problems.

Classes…

I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking in these past weeks. Honestly, it seems that thinking is about all I can do at this point with our situation.  In all the preparations for my class locally, and talking with my students, I’ve come to realize that I should open it up to a wider audience.

My brand of teaching is similar to what one would expect on a collegiate level. However, my subject matter is something that I think is far more practical in its application to everyday life.

The course I teach delves into mysticism in ways that makes the process an individual journey into making spirituality, magic, and self-exploration more of a daily experience. The course itself is a study of ancient and modern traditions, delving into once secret societies, ritual magic, religious doctrines, and philosophy. It endeavors to be a catalyst for the student to find their own mesh of the many traditions and practices out there in which they can find meaningful relationship with their own spiritual selves and the divine. It has been the culmination of more than a dozen years of personal experience and study and a continuation of my own journey to greater understanding of fundamental and universal mysteries.

I am finally taking the steps needed to open it up for online enrollment.

The creation of a mystical school of sorts has also been a goal of mine for many years. I realized that the sort of teaching that I wanted was not readily available or accessible. So, I have started to devise a system in which I can open this to all serious students of the occult and those who wish a more open approach to spiritual fulfillment.

The question becomes a matter of cost. In these hard economic times, it is difficult to put a price on time for preparation and the creation of the audio lectures that will inevitably become a part of the course.

It has been a success for the group I’ve been teaching. They’ve all opted to write reviews of the class thus far and some have even upped what they are donating for the class. I cannot deny that this has been a help for our situation and I suppose for me it is a combination of wanting to continue to help our situation while still doing something I believe in.
Frankly, I don’t want to return to a dead-end job at a call center. I would much rather spend my time in my own studies, writing, and in the teaching of the materials that I’ve come to find useful. In fact, I would like to publish my own spiritual work in the next year or so to compliment the class. The encouragement has been such that I feel it may be just the time to put forth this sort of new age concept and utilize the net to make it easily accessible for anyone who wishes to take the class and any subsequent courses that I decide to offer.

I am optimistic about all of this. Despite the obstacles that I face in getting it all up and going, I am still very upbeat about it all. So, I should get to the work for the night. I have much ahead of me while the husband is gone.

News On The Home Front…

Everything is so screwed up right now that I don’t know where to begin.

This is a scary time for us. We are literally a paycheck away from living in our car. And consistently my husband’s job is dropping the ball or flat out neglecting their employees. Tonight was no exception.  So we’re going to be out a day’s worth of pay regardless now. Of course, we’re hoping that he can pick up the run on Saturday, but there is no guarantee that that will even be a possibility.

So this all messes up my proposed schedule. I’ve spent the majority of my day on the road driving him to and from rather than working on the things that I need to work on. Any hope I had of progress on the novel tonight went out the window about an hour and a half ago.

As scary as this is, I have to admit that you hit a point where you simply have to laugh at it all. It isn’t that I don’t want him here. I do. I enjoy my nuggles and I enjoy having him here. Its just financially scary. But it will all be what it will be. And somehow we’ll get there in the long run.